Mother to Chaos

A Few Days in Hell

2011-08-12T21:22:00.000-04:00

Actually it's been more like this entire week has been horrible in one way or another. I tried to not give myself false hope...I tried to be my usual, realistic self. I knew that there was a very minute chance (like .00001%) that maybe, just maybe, getting the rest of my thyroid out would make my fibromyalgia go away...or even just make it slightly less severe. I never took the time to think that the 2nd surgery would make the fibro worse...what was I thinking? Or was I thinking?

Today is one of those days when the pain is not at its worst, but it is still there, as it has been every other day since my surgery. However, my emotions are at a major low and I feel like I'm falling down what I like to refer to as the "rabbit hole." I chose this phrase many years ago to describe my depression...it is as it sounds, a trip down the rabbit hole, much like Alice's in the classic story. Except it seems there is no bottom to the hole I fall down, a trip I make every time I get depressed, and I feel like I'm just falling, falling, falling.

I told myself that I would get more done this week, with Princess, Bubby, and Dizzie at camp. I said I would finally get the carpets shampooed, clean out and wipe down all the kitchen cabinets, get all the dust-bunny covered articles cleaned off, get some weeds pulled, clean out the van. I figured it was more than possible...I had 5 days after all. Yeah, I got some stuff done, but none of those things.

I did manage to get the carpets vacuumed, three times even, before I had to sit down to rest and never regain the ability to get the shampooer out and running. I did start to wipe down the kitchen, but only made it through wiping down the doors, the inside of one cabinet, and the top of the fridge before my back hurt so bad that I couldn't do anymore. Nothing got dusted, only a few weeds got pulled, and Hubby is probably cursing under his breathe that I'll "never get the van done."

More so than before, I have been utterly and completely exhausted. I have taken 5 naps out of the last 7 days and they can last from 2-4 hours, with me waking just as exhausted as before. My body aches and my muscles scream, I have a very sharp, nerve-like pain in my middle back. My meds are not helping and I will not dare ask for anything "stronger." (I know too many people who are sadly addicted to potentially deadly doses of prescription pain killers and would rather be in pain than junked out.)

I want to cry, scream, throw stuff, break stuff, and just throw myself on the floor and have out a 2-year-old-style temper tantrum! I want to grab Hubby by the shoulders and violently shake him, screaming, "don't you get it....I HURT! I hurt so bad that I want to crawl under a rock and die! I want my life back...OUR life back! I WANT to go to the store and not be exhausted! I WANT to go to church and not be too tired to make it through Sunday School AND service! I WANT to mow the yard! I WANT to be able to stay longer at get-togethers! I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN!"

Don't get me wrong, I love Hubby with all my heart and soul, but it is very frustrating to have a husband who does not like to communicate or talk about what's "bothering" him. He likes to keep it in and hope it goes away. I try to honor that by not pushing, but dammit...sometimes I wish he understood better. I get tired of saying "I hurt" and feel like a cry baby. I was raised with my step-dad daily barking at me that, "crying is a sign of weakness...don't ever let anyone see you cry...suck it up!" So I hold the tears in, grit my teeth, and try to keep it together.

After a while, though, even the strongest person breaks. Today is my day to semi-break...this is not even as worse as it gets. But, since it's been some time since I've been in this place, it seems worse than it probably is. I am frustrated...I am angry...I am hurt...I feel weak...I feel worthless...I feel inadequate...I feel alone! I KNOW that I am not any of these last 3, but it is hard to tell myself that. I know that God has a plan in all this and part of me considers all my health issues as a form of karmic punishment for my past. I have made more mistakes than any other person I know...this must be my own personal hell, in which I am to suffer for all of eternity.

Waking up each day is like Russian roulette. I don't know if I'll hurt, just be stiff and shake it off after an hour or so, or if it will all start out as a seemingly wonderful and perfect pain-free day, only to hit me later. So many people tell me I am such a strong person and have such amazing faith in God to not be a hateful and bitter person in spite of this. I see it as I have no other choice than to do what I can, when I can. I just wish people who don't have fibro could live just one single day in my shoes...even though I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy. Then, they would understand.

They wouldn't look at me like I do nothing but sit on the computer all day. They would realize that this is the only way I can get back the social interaction I had when I could work. They would know it keeps my mind busy so I'm not thinking about the pain. They would know that I would do anything to be able to go back to work and have the money to buy the bare essentials again. They would know the hell I go through inside my head each day. They would know that they wouldn't want to be me on their best day. They would just know...they would know I just want my damn life back!

12 Days Post-Op Update

2011-08-08T17:06:00.001-04:00

Praise God! I am FINALLY, somewhat, getting my voice back! Today was the first day that I did not have to strain as much to talk! Definitely a blessing since I had to go register Corky and Dizzie for the elementary today. Baby Girl will get registered at the high school tomorrow, and I don't have to do anything for Princess and Bubby since they will be at the middle school. Between physicals, registrations, getting shoes and school supplies, and everything else that goes along with it...August is my most dreaded month of the year! This year is special one though...my oldest "baby," Baby Girl, will be a senior in high school! Where did all those years go?

I don't go back to the doctor until the 29th, when I will see the endocrinologist (thyroid doc) and find out when my uptake scan will be. This will tell us how much thyroid tissue is left and where it is located. This is what will determine when, or even if, I will need to get the iodine radiation. So please pray for minimal tissue and hopefully NO radiation! If I have to, I have to, but it will require me to be in isolation away from everyone for at least a week. Due to our house set-up, I will have to come up with money to go to a hotel, as I am terrified of exposing my family to my radioactive self...and I just can't be in the same house and not hug or kiss my kids or Hubby.

It seems to me that this recovery has been much easier than the first go-around. The last time I had a moderate amount of pain (likely because 1/2 of the thyroid remained) and not much weakness or tiredness. This time, however, has been the complete opposite. I have had almost no pain related to the surgery and have been so exhausted on some days that I have to drag myself to the bathroom and am not good for much else. The fibromyalgia pain has been worse this time around, as well. I have had maybe 2 "good" days out of the last 12.

Hopefully I will soon get my approval for Medicaid Disability so I can get to the doc. I have private insurance right now through Hubby's employer, but with a $30 deductible I can't afford right now, I have been having to sit and suffer with a of issues. My bowels are a mess (symptom of fibro and thyroid) and I can't keep food in me. Nice for the weight loss, but it's not healthy and kind of scary. I need to get my pain meds refilled and can't right now.

I am also starting to have pain in my lower right abdomen, but don't worry...I know it's not my appendix. I had the same pain about 5 years ago and no doctor could figure out what was wrong with me. One even insinuated that I was just after the narcotics, which was crap! After changing docs and going through multiple tests, I had a laparoscopy and they found I had adhesions (from my multiple c-sections), fibroids, and a cyst on my left ovary. Thanks to the jerk who made sit in pain for over 10 months and thought there was "nothing wrong" with me. Goes to show, along with my most recent medical mess that the tests don't always show that something is wrong! Docs really need to start listening to their patients more and quite dismissing them so easily.

On a happier note...Baby Girl, Dizzie, Corky and I got to help with the Pierceton Days Parade this year! A dear friend of mine has a wildlife rescue and wanted to put in a float for the first time. She had a little wagon that we decorated with hay bales, animals, and such. Corky got to hold a duck and ride the float. Dizzie walked Lambert the sheep and I walked our dog Charlie. Baby Girl followed us in the van so we could use the CD player to play the music. It really was a blast and I'm so glad we could help! I was exhausted and very overheated when I got home, but it was worth every bit of it! I'll post some pics below! Now to figure out what to make for supper.....


Dizzie and Corky, ready to go!


So cute in that farmer hat!


Friends Chris and Kyle carrying the banner


Here we come!


The float


Cuddles the goat, Lambert the sheep, and Chalie the dog


Lizzie and Lambert


Me and our Charlie dog

Finally...The Surgery Update!

2011-08-02T10:07:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not updating the blog after my surgery. I was so busy updating my Facebook friends and resting up. (If you are not one of my Facebook friends and would like to be, my page is www.facebook.com/shannaatteberry.) Obviously, since I’m typing this now, the surgery went well and I survived…it was a very different experience from my first though! I knew to expect some differences since the surgery was scheduled at Lutheran Hospital and not the Outpatient Surgery Center as before, but wow!

Since I was not allowed to eat after midnight the night before surgery, I treated myself to 3 small pieces of fried chicken and 2 cups of coffee…the things I knew I would miss the most! Lol! Hubby and I both tried to pretend we were alight, but one could have cut the tension with a butter knife. We arrived at Lutheran at noon, as instructed. We sat there for almost an hour before I was called up to the registration desk to complete my paperwork. It was 1:30 p.m. before I even got in the pre-op room.

Once back there, I was given some anti-bacterial wipes and told to wipe down my entire body (except for face and genitals) before putting on my hospital gown. I had to put on tight stockings on my legs to prevent blood clots and they were then placed in cuff-type things that inflated and deflated to keep the blood flowing in my legs properly. Unlike last time, I was still awake when I was rolled into the operating room.

I should add that, to me, this is one of the scariest and most stressful parts of the surgery process. I was raised by a mom who liked science-fiction and always feel like I’ve been abducted by aliens when I’m in the OR. The room is big , really bright, and really white. There are all sorts of high-tech machines here and there, and the operating table is in the middle, which is not very wide and is very uncomfortable. Nothing like worrying you will roll off mid-surgery…lol! The anesthesiologist told me he was giving me something to put me to sleep, put the oxygen on my face, and within 30 seconds, I was out like a light.

Waking up in recovery was worse this time, in my opinion. I was looking forward to seeing Hubby, but quickly realized there were only nurses and patients…no spouses, no friends, just us. After an hour in recovery, I was taken up to my room. When I came off the elevator, I heard Hubby on the phone with someone and as we came around the corner and I saw him, I did the only thing I had the energy to at that moment….I flipped him the middle finger with a big ol’ grin! Ha ha! I don’t know what THAT was how I chose to greet him, but after the initial shock wore off, he laughed.

I was hooked up to a morphine pump and was able to push the button for a dose to my IV every 10 minutes. The first push after I got in my room resulted in an enormous smile that I had not consciously created. Despite the nurses swearing I wouldn’t want to eat, I looked at Hubby and asked him to order me a chocolate shake. Oh and it was great…until I threw up! Apparently, morphine is rough on the stomach, so I spent the next few hours eating and drinking, only to find the recently consumed in the trash can.

I did not sleep well at all, but better than I had expected. I missed the chaos of home and, from what I hear, they all missed me too! Hubby had seemed to think he would enjoy a night alone to hog the bed. He admitted to me the next day that when he got into bed and saw my side empty and still made, he did not like it and even got teary-eyed. I feel bad that he missed me, but I figure it was good for him. Like he said, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone!

I could’ve went home after breakfast, but had some very good friend driving quite a distance to see me, so I put the doc off until after lunch. It was so awesome to see them and we had a great visit! Not long after they left, I was on my way home. I had a lot of stiffness in my neck, likely from posturing, or holding it still in one position to keep it from hurting. I am still struggling with this 6 days later, but it is much easier. I have been very exhausted since surgery, but am not able to sleep anymore than I usually do. It is hard to tell if the tiredness if due to surgery, the fibromyalgia, or both. All I know is I am so tired that I can hardly keep a thought straight.

I will try to update more in the next few days, detailing my recovery thus far. Today was extremely busy with an appointment in Fort Wayne this morning and a trip to the dentist for Princess, Bubby, and Dizzie. August is my most dreaded month of the year with all of the back-to-school appointments, registrations, and the like. This year is bound to be pretty busy, but at least we only have 3 schools to keep track of this year, instead of 4, like we did 2 years ago.

Surgery Details for Tomorrow

2011-07-26T16:37:00.000-04:00

I finally got the call from the ENT office today that surgery will be at 3:00 p.m. tomorrow (Wednesday) afternoon. This time tomorrow, I'll be out cold on the operating table. My faith is holding strong and I have not had too much anxiety about it. More or less, I just want to get it over with and feel better!

I do not know yet what room I will be in after surgery, but it will be at Lutheran Hospital in Fort Wayne. I have to be there at noon this time, though, and found it odd to have me there 3 hour pre-op when I was only there an hour before the last surgery. I can't eat or drink after midnight, which sucks, but I have requested fried chicken for my "last supper." My last real one for a couple days anyways...lol! I plan on eating right at midnight, staying up as late as I can, and getting up at 9:30 for a quick shower before we hop in the van.

Dizzie is with her dad and step-mom until Friday and Baby Girl will be here to keep an eye on Princess, Bubby, and Corky. Hopefully that will go smoothly...my mom will be here as well, so hopefully between her and Baby Girl, the others will behave. I'm also worried about our "fur babies." Our 3 kittens came to us after my first surgery (Peyton came to us 4 days after), so they are totally unprepared for this...and Charlie and Karma are not accustomed to me being gone over night. I told Hubby to be ready for a night of stressed out fur babies! After the last surgery, Charlie and Karma would not let me out of their site for a week! I'd even come out of the bathroom to find one or both of them sitting there waiting to follow me back to our room.

Most of tomorrow will seem familiar, despite not being in the outpatient surgery center. I will go in to fill out all my paperwork, get copies of my license and insurance card, then take me into pre-op for the fun stuff. I'll get decked out in my "fashionable" gown, get my vitals, go over health history, see the surgeon for a second,and then I will quickly be off to Doped-up Land! The one thing I am dreading the most at this point is not being able to have my coffee in the morning!

Since Hubby is not one to find "updating" a very concerning part of his life, most will likely have to be patient until I am able to get on the computer. But, anyone who knows me knows full well that my phone and my laptop are going to be the first things packed! Lol! So I will end for now and ask for your continued prayers, love, and support.

Do I Get Your Paycheck for Doing Your Job?

2011-07-22T19:18:00.001-04:00

I had been trying to give the ENT surgeon's office some credit, since they have not overly impressed me much throughout this...aside from the surgeon's skills, which are absolutely awesome! (Other than that, I feel they lack most foundational people relation and customer service skills.) I know "mistakes" happen, but I have to wonder why they always have to happen to ME! Here I sat today, five days before surgery, and no one had called or mentioned my pre-op blood work.

I called the phone nurse and she looked for proof an order had been sent to the hospital or directly to me, to no avail...since no order had ever been written up! I feel that I have done more of these people's jobs than they have sometimes...except the surgeon, of course. I can't dog on the man who is about to slice my neck open for the second time! :)

I got a letter from Hubby's insurance stating that the pre-existing condition clause had been trumped by my previous state insurance health coverage, so they are now approving and paying on the bills. The down-side of this is that I have now accumulated $10,000 in debt from co-pays, deductibles, and what-not. So much for getting my bankruptcy to clean up my credit, huh? Lol! I am looking into grants and other ways to get these bills paid, especially with this second surgery coming and it being even more expensive than the first. I have a donation link set up on the right side of the blog, and have received a couple donations (thank you!!!). Every little bit helps and is very appreciated. Of course, all received funds go towards medical expenses that are not covered and not eligible for grants or forgiveness programs.

I am considering re-applying for state insurance, since I'm not working because of the fibromyalgia, but that requires me to change doctors and I spent over 5 yeas trying to get an open Medicaid slot to get with him this time. I dread finding another doctor. My previous one diagnosed my fibromyalgia, but refused to give me anything to help with the pain. I don't want to go through that again.

Another hurdle conquered today was getting help with my prescription for Cytomel. I will take this for 4 weeks following my surgery. I won't be able to take my Synthroid (thyroid replacement) for 6 weeks post-op so that my endocrinologist can so an uptake scan to check for any remaining thyroid tissue. Via his phone nurse, the endo has said that I can get the uptake scan to check and not have the RAI as long as everything looks well on the scan. After that, we will just monitor my cancer antibodies with blood work. Any increases = no more putting of the RAI.

The family and I have lots of happenings on this hot, humid weekend. A birthday party for cousin-in-law's son in Huntington, followed by my best friend's birthday cookout on Saturday. Sunday consists of church in the morning and another cookout with my "adopted brothers." I've known them since I was 3, so they are the closest thing I have to brothers. I told them I wanted a "therapeutic cookout" before my surgery, so they obliged and threw one together. :) Hopefully I can stand the heat. Today, I still hurt, but it's coming and going. Not quite as weak, but still pretty achy.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, but remember to stay cool and keep a good eye on neighbors, kids, and outdoor pets.

When Worlds Collide: Thyroid vs. Fibromyalgia

2011-07-21T16:08:00.000-04:00

Ugh...today is one of those days where my thyroid symptoms and fibromyalgia flare-ups meet for a 10 round match. Most days I just have symptoms from one or the other, but today I was blessed with both. Yesterday was a good indicator that I'd wake up as weak as I did. I have felt completely drained the last few days, despite mostly staying home in the A/C and not having the energy to do much besides rest.

My arms and legs feel like heavy noodles. I know that does not make much sense, but if you have fibro, you understand. I have never had to wonder whether or not I was able to walk without falling before. Trips to the grocery store require that I push the cart so I don't wear out too fast.

I had to drive 51 minutes one-way to Kendallville this morning to do some things, then back to Columbia City for shopping. Even with cruise control and A/C in the van, it was a long and miserable trip. Not because of the heat, but due to my light-headedness and exhaustion.

I only ended up making half the stops for errands that I had anticipated getting done today. I despise days like today...they make me struggle a lot emotionally, which is tiring in itself. I miss being independent and "able-bodied." I get myself through so many days telling myself, "just get through today,...tomorrow WILL be better." More often than not, it's not much better...but hey, whatever works, right? :)

I try to make the best use of my energy bursts. Days like today don't result in much getting done. My thyroid is making me hyperthyroid again, after being hypo for about a week. I am bouncing off the walls on the inside and want so badly to get up and do something...as I usually have a hard time mustering motivation. But, the pain of the fibro makes me want to be as still as possible. Every movement and every vibration run all the way through my body and makes everything ache. The fibro makes me want to sleep the aches away, yet with my thyroid is in hyper-drive mode, I can't relax enough to take a nap.

Although it will mean a slight financial sting, I am glad that Hubby decided to take the day off. Our forecast is predicting 101 degrees actual temp, with a 120 degree heat index. Hubby works in a very hot foundry where the temp inside is always 20 higher than the temp or index, which ever is higher. I would rather go without material possessions than go without my Hubby. Several others on his shift called in as well, knowing that sometimes you have to sacrifice and know your priorities.

While talking about the temp, I would like to note something I came across on Facebook: "I was going to complain about how hot it is... then I realized that at least: 1.) it isn't 119 degrees; 2.) I'm not 5,700 miles from home; 3.) I'm not dressed in a full BDU uniform and helmet and carrying 70+ lbs.; and 4.) there is very little chance that anyone will shoot at me or that I might drive over a bomb in the road today! Re-post to thank all who serve!!" I will not complain about the heat because even in my current condition, it could be so much worse! I could be there! I was raised to ALWAYS support your troops, even if you don't agree with the government's choices. These men and woman volunteer themselves to protect us and our freedoms...we need to all acknowledge them for their willing sacrifices.

One Week Until Surgery #2

2011-07-20T20:36:00.001-04:00

I am now in the final week before my second thyroid surgery. This will be a completion thyroidectomy to take what is left of my dysfunctional and cancer-prone thyroid. I can't say that I'm not nervous, but I know it really is for the best. Taking the rest of it decreases my chances of the cancer coming back, as well as making it easier to keep my TSH (thyroid) levels more stable. Since surgery, I have been manically bouncing back and forth between hyperthyroid (insomnia, restlessness, no appetite, weight loss) and hypothyroid (want to sleep all the time, no energy, ravenous appetite, weight gain). It will be nice to be more "stable," if such a thing exists for me. Ha ha!

Despite knowing this surgery really is the best choice, it has some obvious down-sides. First, I will have to stay overnight at Lutheran, and my surgery will be there and not in the outpatient surgery center. This is so the docs can keep an eye on my calcium levels. If my parathyroid is damaged or even touched during surgery, causing hypocalcemia...a deficiency of calcium. Usually, it is short-term, but I may need to add calcium supplements to my daily vitamins. (I already take Magnesium and 5,000 units of Vit D3 each day). One upside to the overnight stay is that I may be able to get my drain tube out before I go home. Last time, I had to go home with this long tube hanging out of my neck with a bulb to collect all the excess fluids around the incision. (Gross, I know, but it is what it is.)

After doing a lot of research and consulting with oncologists, I have decided that when I go to see my endocrinologist 4 weeks post-op, I am going to tell him that I do not want the Iodine Radiation treatment until after I have an uptake scan. The Mayo Clinic pathology report showed my tumor was completely encapsulated, with no vascular invasion. What this means is that it does not appear to have spread. This is not a guarantee though. I am now and forever will be at a higher risk for any cancer, not just thyroid cancer.

However, since the oncologist at Goshen Cancer Center agreed that I'm in that "grey area," and we found my cancer "early" (despite 3 years of symptoms), I am a good candidate to NOT have the iodine radiation. The way I see it, I will always have a chance of the cancer coming back, no matter what I do. So, if I can get my endocrinologist to agree, I will have a scan first and then iodine radiation if any cancerous cells appear. If not, then I see no need to put myself through that now. But, the docs I have tend to want to use the "well it's just what we have always done to treat this" mentality. Too bad for them that I am a proactive, informed patient who knows that the American Thyroid Association does not recommend radiation iodine for tumors as small as mine, assuming I have the surgery.

As far as the fibromyalgia is concerned, I still hurt despite not working since July 2nd. I really miss all of my customers and the interaction, but I have a hard enough time trying to somewhat maintain the house. Some days I walk to the fridge for a drink and feel like my legs are going to give out because I am so weak. I try to rest in between household chores or major activities. No matter what I do, I hurt. Sometimes less, sometimes more...sometimes I'm not even sure anymore if I hurt or if it is all in my head. I cannot put into words how scary and frustrating it can be to have an illness that no one can "see." Invisible illness, love to hate them! :)

It is really hard to be a wife and mother when you hurt all the time. I try to keep up on the laundry and such, but I was reminded of how far behind I have gotten on these tasks when Hubby could not find a clean towel because they were all dirty. I try to enlist the kids' help, since there are 5 of them here full-time...they usually end up messing around and I clean up everyone's mess by myself and in pain. Being a wife and mother is a thankless job, though. Someday, perhaps, they will realize all I did for them and appreciate it. My guess is...around 25 or so. Lol!

I am leaning towards using some of my free/rest time to crochet some things to sell. Figure at least that way I feel like I'm contributing. Dish cloths, purses, afghans, and what-not...so if anyone wants anything in particular, please let me know. I can't read a pattern to save my life, and do it basically free-style, which I think makes them more meaningful and "hand-crafted." I enjoy it, though, and it is quite relaxing.

I apologize in advance if I start posting more over the next week...being that writing is my "release," I tend to write more when I'm more stressed or anxious. I know that God has a hand in all of this and He will not forsake me. So please pray for a good surgery, a quick recovery, and that this can be the last surgery I have to have for a while.

Catch Up

2011-07-14T18:51:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, it seemed like this was going to be a very long week...but it's already Thursday evening! Where did it all go? I know why time is flying by. Because my surgery is going down in 13 days! Ahhhh! It seems so soon, but I know I just need to get it over with. I'm not scared of the surgery so much as I am the procession of events that are to come afterwards.

I go to see my endocrinologist 4 weeks after surgery, at which time we will discuss the radiation uptake scan and possible iodine radiation. That is the part that scares me! Lol! However, I'm looking forward to getting the next "hard part" out of the way.

I've been trying to take it easy the last couple days. I got out a couple times to go visit with friends...once with the younger 3 and once with none! How often does that happen? :) Being broke and the temperatures and humidity being so high will probably keep me in the house for most of the weekend. My fibro has been attempting to flare a few times the last couple days...I'm sure I'm in for another long weekend. But, it will be Monday before I know it.

My Visit to IU Health Goshen Cancer Center

2011-07-08T22:54:00.001-04:00

First off, I would like to say that I know doctors are all different. Some are very patient-friendly and you can talk to them easily. Then there are others who seem to lack any bedside manner and make you feel like you are just a chart to them...however, these are the ones who are usually considered top-notch and the best at what they do.

Personally, I want both, and really do not think that is too high of an expectation. This is my health, my life, and my future we are discussing. (A point which often makes me wonder how they would respond and react if given a life-changing diagnosis.) I decided that since my endocrinologist and ENT surgeon both present very matter-of-fact and serious personas, that I would seek a second opinion (something I had never done before).

I had viewed IU Health Goshen Cancer Center's website (http://cancer.goshenhealth.org/) and sent an online contact form to inquire how to go about getting a second opinion. A patient representative called a few hours later and said they would need a medical release form to obtain my records from the treating physicians. After that, a review team would go over my records and determine if they would be able to help me. The form was emailed to me so I could print it off, sign, and fax it back to them.

Yesterday, I received a call from Scheduling saying Dr. Henry would like to see me today, as well as a Naturopathic doctor. It only took me 45 minutes to reach the center. After reviewing my medical history with a nurse, Dr. Henry came in. He told me that due to all the factors of my cancer, I am in a "grey area" where I can choose to go either way with treatment options. There pros and cons to not having the rest of my thyroid removed, as well as deciding to go ahead. The same holds true with a follow-up dose of iodine radiation to kill off any remaining cancer cells.

I am opting to go ahead and have the rest removed on July 27th, as previously scheduled. However, when I see my endocrinologist 4 weeks later, I am going to tell him that I would like an iodine uptake scan done prior to radiation. If cancer cells are found to still be present, getting the radiation is a given as far as I am concerned. If none are found though, I will follow-up closely with both my endocrinologist and an oncologist at Goshen. After being cancer-free for 5 years, I will just see my endocrinologist to maintain my thyroid levels.

The Naturopathic doctor discussed my lifestyle and eating habits with me, suggesting several things that may aid my body in staying strong and fighting off future cancer growth. She gave me Magnesium citrimate supplements, stating it should help with sleep, pain, and relaxation. Overall, I am very happy with my decision to go to Goshen, despite it being kind of scary to get a second opinion. I feel much better after talking with doctors who seemed interested in me and did not seem bothered by my questions and concerns. :)

My 1st Anniversary with the Best Hubby Ever!

2011-07-07T21:00:00.082-04:00


Our wedding day

Today was one year from the day that I wed my Hubby, at a casual outdoor ceremony at the park, on one of the hottest days of the summer, surrounded by about 50 of our friends and family. We were married by one of my very good friend's husband and, despite it being a planned-in-twelve-days throw-together wedding, it was one of the happiest days of my life!

This morning, I woke up and rolled over to take my Synthroid, my thyroid replacement. (It's the first thing I do since I am supposed to wait between a half-hour to an hour to eat or drink.) As I laid back down in bed, I hear Hubby say, "you might as well get up, we are getting breakfast in bed." Princess had planned an elaborate anniversary morning for us! She came in wearing her beautiful white dress with our cups of coffee and....our 80 lb. puppy Charlie thought it was an excellent time to jump on the bed and be absolutely thrilled to see her! Lol!

Thankfully, Princess's dress was spared any damage, however, I found myself , Charlie, half the bed, and 2 or 3 of the cats doused with coffee! Fortunately, she had let them cool off some before bringing them! Next, she treated us to a plate with 2 pieces of toast, scrambled eggs, and (cooked through...lol!) dippy eggs each. When I got out of bed, I saw the big banner across the hallway doorway that said, "Happy Anniversary!"


The banner

Princess had really put a lot of thought and research into our special day, as she presented us with a paper covered box containing beautiful paper sashes for both of us. (I believe paper is the traditional first anniversary gift.) Of course, we were showered with cards from all the kids. Princess also made me a little ring which I wore until it broke later in the day. :( Dizzie gave us a little vase she'd acquired.


Our sashes


My new ring next to my wedding ring


One of the cards the kids made

I was overwhelmed with joy for the wonderful man sharing this morning with me and the love I felt for my kids, who usually drive me insane...though I know they love me. Then, almost as if waking from a dream, Bubby and Corky were fighting over something and Dizzie was yelling. Charlie was running through the house barking and jumping on everyone. Life was back to the normal chaos! But hey, it's all I know and couldn't imagine a boring life without it all....ha ha!


One of our other cards

Another Day in "Paradise"

2011-07-06T22:10:00.001-04:00

Today was an exceptionally difficult day with the kids. Their behavior has been completely out-of-control and creating a lot of unnecessary extra stress for Hubby and me. I know that it is all "typical" behavior...not cleaning their rooms, not doing chores without numerous reminders, doing things they were told not too, etc....but it does not make it any easier to deal with. And I know that part of the issue is simply that there are 4 kids here all the time, with Baby Girl wanting to come back home, and Ape here only on the weekends. There is just not enough me to go around, it seems.

I had to take Corky to the dentist today, after noticing that his first permanent teeth were coming in behind his baby teeth....instead of pushing them out. He was really anxious, since his visit last year to Kool Smiles resulted in 3 "silver teeth," as he calls them. It was not a pleasant experience for him once the numbness wore off. After a lot of convincing from me and the dental tech, and her providing Corky with sunglasses (to shield his eyes from the bright light) and a little handheld mirror (so he could see what she was doing), his teeth were clean. He was overjoyed to get a new toothbrush, toothpaste, and little claw-like grabber toy. The dentist said it should not be much longer before the baby teeth come out and Corky's tongue should push the other teeth forward and in place.

I did manage to get outside for a little bit this evening when it was a bit cooler. I pulled some weeds and dead-headed my lilies and daisies before dragging myself back in. It breaks my heart to see my yard and flowers in such disarray. Two years ago, I spent the majority of my free time out caring for them and was so proud of my hard work. But, at least it looks better than last year, when I was unable to do much of anything outside.

I know the future will be brighter and that the Lord has many good things in store for me, it is just hard to see at times. This entire past year has been an amazing testimony to God's power and His love for me. I praise Him for leading me back to His arms, where I belong. Without His presence in my life, I hate to think of where I would be. Days like today are rough on me, but as long as I remind myself that I have God, family, and amazing friends to help me though it all, I know I'll be just fine.

A Lazy Day to Recover

2011-07-05T21:41:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe it is already almost a week into July! So much has happened in the last year! Hubby and I got married, he started his job at the foundry, Baby Girl moved out (and is now moving back in...lol!), the kids have all grown and changed so much, and my fibromyalgia and cancer diagnoses. The latter brought with them a lot of time spent in doctor office waiting rooms, getting tests done, and waiting for results.

Even this last week was a challenge, which they usually are around holidays. I get very frustrated at not having the stamina and strength I used to have. Two years ago, I was going to the gym a few times a week and was able to lift (with ease) over 60 lbs. and could leg press over 130 lbs. Today, I am lucky to have the strength to carry my purse out the van. I remember running around 18 hours a day...now it takes all I have to not sleep 18 hours a day.

I try to think of it as God's way of telling me to slow down, but it is still a struggle. I am not used to feeling weak and worthless. Two years ago, I was the single mom of five kids, working two part-time jobs, and going to school full-time. Yes, life has changed a lot, but even though things are not as I had initially planned, all of it is helping grow me into a better person. I know that, I accept that, I embrace that...but I never said it was not exhausting. Good thing that I have always liked a challenge!

Life as I Once Knew it...

2011-07-05T15:55:00.001-04:00

Life as I once knew it...well, it is over. On June 14, 2011, Hubby and I sat in the quiet, white exam room of the surgeon who had just removed half of my thyroid one month earlier. The surgery was due to a nodule found the right side of my lymph node. The fine needle aspiration biopsy I had on September 30, 2011 showed the nodule to be benign. Post-operative testing of the tissue, however, showed suspicion for cancer. The sample was sent to the Mayo Clinic for a consultation, and...the results were in.

I am very Internet and computer savvy, so I had done my research. I knew the best and worst case possibilities and felt as prepared as one can be in this type of situation. I mean, why worry? The surgeon told me after surgery that every thing "looked good," adding that he saw no reason for concern and expected this to be the end of my thyroid troubles.

I might add that I have always been good at picking up on body language and other cues...when the surgeon came into the room where Hubby and I sat, I knew he was about to tell me something I did not want to hear. "The samples are back from Mayo Clinic and as you knew, we were looking for any cancerous tissues..." (like I need to know all this, I just wanted a good or bad). He then told me I have what is called follicular variant of papillary thyroid cancer. From my research, I knew that thyroid cancer is said to be the "best type of cancer to get" due to it being slow growing and the easiest to treat, in most cases.

The surgeon continued by stating that I would need to have a second surgery to removed the rest of my thyroid and I would likely need to have iodine radiation to kill any remaining thyroid tissue he was unable to remove in surgery. He told me that I would receive a call from scheduling in a few days to set up the date for the completion thyroidectomy and that, this time, it would be an overnight stay in the hospital. Quietly, and barely even breathing, Hubby and I left the office and headed home. Without saying the words, we both knew that life as we once knew it was over.

Due to my love of writing, as well as it's therapeutic purposes, I have decided to start a blog to chronicle my journey. I will share my cancer experiences, as well as my struggles with fibromyalgia, which I was diagnosed with April 2010. I will also share how I juggle my illnesses while parenting 6 kids, 5 pets, and Hubby! It is my desire to use this blog to inform family and friends, help others who are newly diagnosed or struggling, and help myself to keep my sanity through all of this! Of course, my mom always said, "you can't lose something you didn't have to begin with!" Hee hee! More will follow, including a history of journey up until this point, resources, and other tid-bits. Please be patient while I add to the blog and consider it a work in progress.